Being the Chief is a lonely life.

Wizard World Chicago 2005

This year was a pretty exciting Wizard World convention. The first night we arrived we met up with our roommates, got some drink on, and watched Undead. For those of you unfamiliar with Undead, it is an Australian zombie film. The version we were watching was a bootlegged DVD and Iíd have to say itís one of the worst films Iíve seen in a very, very long time. You want a quick review? Well here goes: 


            Undead sucks nutsack.

            Score: 1.5

            - Paul

The guys that we stayed with were great people, although something utterly bizarre happened while we watched the film. One of the guys crocheted a hat during the viewing. I asked him about it later and he said it was something he was good at doing. Apparently, heís got a +4 Woolen Hat modifier or something.

Very obviously, not taken at the con.

The next day we were up and ready for the convention extra early. We took in all the sites of the various booths and saw some great stuff, but I know where my audienceís interests lie. You care about chicks, especially hot chicks so letís get that over first. As far as booth babes and models there were a few there to lure the legions of sex starved nerds into spending their hard earned cash. Sadly, Ginger Hill was not present yet again. Damn, we miss her various gravity defying outfits! Oh well, instead Iíd like to officially announce her successor as the Digital Monkey Box Favorite Geek Magnet of The Con: Jasmine Grey. We didnít bother Jasmine Grey with any stupid questions this year, but thanked her for her mini-interview from last year. Jasmine Grey was again very approachable and nice to us nerds. You might have noticed that Iíve written her full name out (Jasmine Grey) several times, well itís because Jasmine Grey is a pretty popular search string and being the whores we are (unlike they very nice Jasmine Grey) we would like to get as many hits as possible from you horn-balls searching for Jasmine Grey. Of course, in exchange for our ability to talk about Jasmine Grey, we ponied up the cash for copies of her DVD entitled Sweet Satisfaction, that I may or may not review laterÖ which all depends if I want my parents who might look at DMB know what I think about (shhhh, it's actually pretty good) Jasmine Greyís neat-o adult video. Jasmine Grey.

Aria Giovanni was also stationed at a booth and you will probably know who that is if youíve ever spent time *ahem* on the internet. Aria is nice enough and all, but damn if she isnít as good looking in three dimensions as she is in two. I hate to let you guys down, but sheís Italian and you can tell: sheís got the hairy arms. Plus sheís got a slight buck tooth thing going on. If that wasn't enough, sheís also not very personable to boot, proving once again that itís almost always better to not meet a person youíve spanked it to on the internet. (Except for of course Jasmine GreyÖ)

Approve, Yoda does of Wizard World.

Okay, now thatís over letís get to the other stuff. I was a little disappointed that there werenít more actors like the famous Star Wars Men Behind the Mask group. Margot Kidder was there for the first time in five or so years that Iíve been going. She looked leagues better than the ďIím-naked-and-crazy-in-someoneís-yardĒ fiasco from a couple of years ago, but I still didnít need an autograph or anything. Upon reflection on the whole celebrity signing thing, I realized that Iíve moved beyond paying a midget twenty bucks to sign my ugnaught figure.

This year it seemed like there were even more booths selling all kinds of nerdly wares. Since Iím more of a toy guy and not as into comic books as the guys we roomed with, most of my time was spent in the gigantic geek bazaar looking for HeroClix figures and various other cool goodies. One thing Iíve come to know over the years is that Wizard World has a weird affect on the average comic/toy buyer. You may go in with a certain amount of allocated cash, maybe even having several items in mind that you may want to purchase, but when youíll leave youíll certainly have spent several hundred more dollars than you wanted to. The other side of the coin is that you donít feel that bad since there are so many incredible deals. You might even end up with the coolest thing you never thought existed until you saw it at the showÖ like an eleven foot tall, 3,000 dollar Optimus Prime costume. I ended up winning a chance to purchase (Isnít that an odd thing, winning a contest to spend money?) the HeroClix Dark Phoenix and the convention exclusive Halo 2 camouflage Master Chief. Jealous? I thought so.

All in all Wizard World was a great experience, even if Iíll be eating Ramen Noodles for the rest of the month.

- Paul

Like Paul, I also won the chance to buy a Dark Phoenix HeroClix. If you donít understand what that really means, allow me to explain. In years past people would line up for hours and hours before the figure or whatever would go on sale. Only a certain number would be available and so many people would go home without their prized figure. This year, people nabbed a ticket early on in the day then went about their comic and porn finding business until it was time to go back to the booth and see if their number was drawn. If the number was posted you didnít win the figure, you won the opportunity to buy the figure. We both bought the Dark Phoenix, but only Paul won the chance to buy Camo Master Chief. Itís okay though, I was just going to put mine on eBay had I won one.

Optimus is powered by the Matrix AKA an extremely sweaty nerd.

The worst of these ticket experiences was for the Catwoman figure from the newer Batman cartoon. I grabbed a ticket, strolled up to the booth and the lady told me I didnít win. Not only that, but she was really rude about it. She said something like ďNot a winner. Time to leave,Ē very sternly and abruptly. I was confused because it all happened so fast, in the course of about a minute. The Halo 2 and Batman winning tickets also only had a range of numbers that were winners. They didnít actually draw tickets; they just decided on a range of ticket numbers that were "winners." I thought that was a cheap way to pick numbers. The HeroClix booth actually had a list of numbers that were drawn, like a real contest.

Another exclusive I bought (I didnít need to get a ticket beforehand) was the Cold War Camo Snake Kubrick from Metal Gear Solid 3. Just about any kind of MGS collectible would do since Iím a huge fan of the series. There were also some Aqua Teen Hunger Force PVC four packs left over from San Diego, so I nabbed one of those as well.

Many conventionites were dressed as their favorite heroes and villains whether they should have been or not. Fat scout troopers and Imperial pilots should not be allowed to roam around anymore since we all know they're clones now. The only fat guy that had any business dressing up was the old round man as a gamorrean guard. Of course, there was also the opposite where way-too-skinny guys dressed up as Snake Eyes and Spiderman. There was a decent Mr. Sinister, and a pretty good Emperor Palpatine. A sweet blue Master Chief was walking around, but the biggest was Optimus Prime. Optimus stood maybe eleven feet tall and was made out of wood. I canít image how heavy that costume would have been. The guy could move around in it, but not very well. He slowly lumbered around, turned his head, and could raise his arms, but needed assistance to do so at times. There were also a bunch of girls dressed up, but more on them later.

The most glorious of facial hair.

We do have a few awards to give out this year, so let's get on with it.

Best Moustache:

There were plenty of people sporting facial hair of varied styles, Paul and I included, but one stood out above the rest. One of our roommates proudly wore a mighty, manly moustache above his lip. It wasnít until the super Ďstache was waxed and curled out that we found the best moustache of the show. Look at it. Embrace it. Bask in its sexiness. Here we present the man behind the 'stache.

Two very sexy shirts worn by two very erotic men.

Best Shirt:

Many people wore some nice shirts during the convention such as ďPoop on Balls,Ē but there were two that just couldnít be beat. The first was of two unicorns engaging in some rainbow-hued butt sex. The other was a shirt full of superhero space chicks. As fate would have it, these two shirts came together during the heated night of Pictionary on Saturday. As cool as the space chicks shirt was, the Unicorn sex shirt was an instant classic and edges out on top. Here's a better look at the Unicorn shirt, with a pose and a drink to match.


Why am I so turned on by this?

Best / Hottest Girl:

Finally we have our hottest girl of the show. Aside from Jasmine Grey, Aria Giovanni, and various other porn type girls, there were plenty of regular booth babes and convention goers dressed as their favorite heroine. The first ones we saw were a chick dressed in a tight purple outfit and a Mara Jade. There was one at a booth that had the face of a fourteen-year-old, but was unusually tall. Paul and I felt dirty just looking at her. She had a two-dimensional Spiderman companion who was almost more disturbing.

The Hulk: Total Destruction chicks were hot and had some great torn-up outfits. However, they almost seemed like they didnít want their picture taken. We spied a Mystique and Goblin Queen, who both had terrific costumes and looked good, but just couldnít quite get the winning spot. During the Pictionary night a hot Goth girl came and played. A trio of Elektras in various colors and sizes made an appearance. There was also a zombie girl that was disgusting and hot at the same time. Maybe I have some issues, but man she was a good looking zombie. 

Our Hottest Booth Girl of Wizard World was the Zenescope chick. On Saturday she wore some kind of Little Red Riding Hood type of outfit. After I took her picture I told her that she might win our hottest girl award. She said ďMaybe? What if I show you my ass a little?Ē Unfortunately the picture you see is less of her ass then what we actually saw. It was pulled up higher right before we took the picture. On Sunday she wore a spicy black outfit. We really appreciate that little extra effort and it was that that made her our hottest girl of the show.

Once again it was a great time and a great show.

Jasmine Grey.

- Shawn - 08/10/05

More Pictures from Wizard World Chicago 2005


She is our Best Girl of Wizard World 2005...

...because of a little extra effort...

...and because she's so damn hot!