The Paul W.S. Anderson Film in a Can^tm

You too can be a huge nerd and have hot chicks pretend to like you!

Shawn and I finally saw Aliens vs. Predator the other night after weeks of waiting. Much to our mutual disappointment, director/writer/mediocre talent Paul W.S. Anderson has managed to make yet another film (see Resident Evil and Soldier) that is on the one hand mildly entertaining and on the other sadly disappointing. This article isn’t a discussion of the merits of Aliens vs. Predator in the history of film however, it is the newly emerging Paul W.S. Anderson’s Film in a Can^tm  that this film so closely follows. This technique is something that should be studied so all aspiring director/writer/mediocre talented Hollywood types may employ it for their own evil use.

 What I am referring to are the similarities between the films Resident Evil and Aliens vs. Predator that are quite remarkable and can be used for any type of film. Below is the magical winning formula:

1. Start by coming up with an adversary like the zombies in Resident Evil or the Aliens in AvP. Undead cowboys, the ghosts of giant snakes, mummy pirates, or vampire leprechauns will do. Better than these ideas though, is to use some sort of beloved or fanboyish franchise such as Silver Hawks or maybe even Visionaries. Okay, maybe these aren’t the best examples, but that’s why I’m writing for this website and not making horrible movies.

2. The location must be in an underground temple or base of some sort. It doesn’t really matter WHY the facility is underground; as long as it is underground it’s fine. Forget logic! It doesn’t bother Anderson at all so why break a winning formula? Your characters will be trapped as they fight round after round of mummy pirates in a maze of tombs and tunnels. That’s what I call high adventure.

3. The plot has to be simple for Paul W.S. Anderson’s Film in a Can^tm to work. The simplest plot that’s been used a million times over in hundreds of sci-fi and horror films works the best. That is the 10 little Indians adventure. I’m sure you are all familiar with this type of film, since you’ve seen it a hundred times by now. A few characters go in somewhere or have to escape from somewhere and only one comes out due to some sort of horrible monster or psycho killer or what have you. If you want to get all fancy with your Paul W.S. Anderson’s Film in a Can^tm, you can attempt to try to give the characters more than one dimension, but that is really pushing it. Still, if you persist like Anderson does then make one character a single Dad, another one an old Japanese whaler, and perhaps another can be a professional baseball player that lost his arm in “the war.” It doesn’t matter what they do when they are getting sliced up by ravaging cowboys anyway, but it could be a nice “artistic” touch.

4. The most overlooked, yet simple part of this new formula is the Matrix shot. You must include at least one bullet time shot of crap flying through the air, either it being a character eating a donut or a hatchet going into Bluegrass from Silver Hawks brain pan. Sorry for the Silver Hawks reference again, but I really hated that guitar playing retard. Still, my point is valid. Matrix bullet time shots never get old no matter how many times you see them. In fact, I’m sure it will be a film staple for centuries to come so why not include one? Everything looks cool when its slowed down and rotated around!

And there you have it, a recipe for film success… well as far as the box office goes it’s a recipe for film disaster, but if you’re at least looking to have a film made AND piss off a lot of fans then this is the way to do it. Have fun!

- Paul - 9/2/04