Music For Idiots Part 3: Bon Jovi Strikes Again

Look, twins!

I’ve given country music a lot of crap on the site so I think its time I turn my critical ear towards rock… well at least what passes for rock on top forty stations. In particular, I’d like to take a look at Bon Jovi’s newest single, “Have a Nice Day”. I have to warn you that this might be a little too easy to pick apart. The title alone is basically an admittance by Jon Bon Jovi that he’s given up the pretense of even trying to come up with music that has any kind of artistic merit. Bon Jovi is one of those bands that never realized that they reached the peak of their creativity in the eighties, which coincidently was the last time they were even considered a true rock band. I’m going to be the first to acknowledge that I’m one of those drunks that will sing the lyrics of Living on a Prayer with everyone else in a crowded bar. I guess sing is an overstatement in that situation, more like pretend to know most of the words in between belting out the chorus, “mumble mumble… Ohhhhh we’re half way there…. living on a prayerrr!” However, it doesn’t excuse Bon Jovi from refusing to die.

Take “Have a Nice Day” for example:

Why you wanna tell me how to live my life?
Who are you to tell me if it's black or white?
Momma, can you help me try to understand
Is innocence the difference 'tween a boy and a man?
My daddy lived to die, that's just the price that he paid
Sacrificed his life just slaving away
 

Either Jon Bon Jovi still has problems with his mother telling him what to do or this song is an attempt at giving an anthem to the rebellious home school set who aren’t quite wild enough to listen to Tool, but are way past listening to their mom’s Rod Stewart CDs.

Oh yeah, If anyone who thinks this song sounds familiar, it should since it’s the same fucking song as “It’s My Life”:

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It’s my life!

It’s a return of the same, “Mom’s not going to tell me to take out the trash anymore!” attitude. Speaking of the whole, “I’m bound and determined to get out there and live!” thing, how about this other strikingly similar song?

I've had enough of cryin'
Bleedin', sweatin', dyin'
Hear me when I say
Gonna live my life everyday
I'm gonna touch the sky
And I spread these wings and fly
I ain't here to play
I'm gonna live my life everyday

I can see Jon Bon Jovi sitting in a dank Eastern European castle brooding over the prospect of creating a new radio hit. He runs through various ideas until he finally gives up and shits out some song about he’s got to rebel against a vague oppressor or how he’s going to finally live his life. What's sad is that in reality he probably  just headed to a studio with Richie Sambora and talked about how hot Sambora's wife was all day before coming up with something at the last minute.

It’s amazing how all of these songs display a creativity not seen since any of Ronny James “I’m not Ozzy” Dio’s songs about rainbows. If the horror of having to listen to yet another one of Bon Jovi’s retreads wasn’t enough, he decided to make this one extra aggravating:

Oh, if there's one thing I hang onto that gets me thru the night
I ain't gonna do what I don't' want to; I'm gonna live my life
Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice
Standing on the ledge, I show the wind how to fly
When the world gets in my face, I say…
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Have a nice day indeed! Since when are these acceptable lyrics outside of something from The Osmonds? “When the world gets in my face I say lick my nuts” might be a slightly more appropriate lyric for a rock song, but maybe that’s too hardcore punk. “When the world gets in my face I crush some skulls” is a great rock lyric if a little too Pantera.  Instead, this song goes right for the up tempo answer that the home school rebels can hang their collective hat on.

There’s no way Jon Bon Jovi can even imagine himself as a rock and roll guy or even a talented musician for that matter. Perhaps he’s a robot whose songwriting program is caught in a loop. Let’s call him Bon Jovi-bot. The only thing that could possibly destroy him is the return of the Bon Scott-bot. The world longs for the return of its super powered savior!

Take a look around you, look it’s what he sees.
We’re living in a broken home of hopes and dreams,
Let me be the first to shake a helping hand.
Everybody, pray enough to take a stand,
I knocked on every door, on every dead end street,
Looking for forgiveness,
what’s left to believe?

Ohhh, if there’s one thing I hang onto,
It gets me through the night.
I aint gonna do what I don’t want to,
Im gonna live my life.
Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice,
Standing on the ledge, show the wind how to fly.
When the world gets in my face,
I say, Have A Nice Day.
Have A Nice Day.

Bon Jovi-bot's three laws: 1. Write bad songs. 2. Kill Sarah Connor. 3. Live on Prayers.

By the way, aside from the obvious does anyone know what the hell he is talking about in the rest of this song? At first he’s all about railing against whatever tyranny must bother this guy (music critics?) then he’s knocking on doors and asking forgiveness. For what? I’d almost think that Jon Bon Jovi ran out of lyrics half way through writing the song and just started pulling words out of his rhyming dictionary, “Hand… stand. Got it! Onto… to? Well, it works I guess. Life… Dice… sounds good to me!”

The song ends with a rousing chorus of:

When The world keeps trying, to drag me down,
I've gotta raise my hands, gonna stand my ground.
Well I say, Have A Nice Day.
Have A Nice Day
Have A Nice Day

What else can I say about this? Not much really except to bitch once again how this crappy CD got a B in Entertainment Weekly. Oh well, worse has happened in life. To all you kids out there, you pull up your boot straps, say no to drugs, look oppression in the face and say, “Have a nice day!” That’s the Bon Jovi-bot way!

- Paul – 11/30/2005

Also: If you really like Bon Jovi check out their fan poetry page. It's like Robert Frost playing air guitar.