Confession Time: Personal Secrets Revealed

Even Satan himself gets a smile on his face when he sees Hello Kitty.

I've come to the realization over the past couple of years that I like Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty you ask? The same Hello kitty that is seen the world over on little girls' backpacks? Yes, my puzzled friend that very same Hello Kitty. Much like you, I can't say that the revelation didn't come with a little horror. I mean, I have an affinity for a cartoon kitten that an eleven year old girl would be fond of. But, as much as I try, I can't make myself dislike that little, adorable, Japanese ball of fur.

Sure I like dinosaurs, zombies, guns, and fist fights as much as the next guy. I like to see heads blowing up and muscle cars racing around crowded cities like your average Joe Mullet. I even like watching shows about cops beating up people while I eat a big juicy side of steak, but there's something about that damn cat that draws me toward her. Is it that Hello Kitty reminds me of the childhood innocence that I lost growing up in the mean streets of Harlem? Perhaps, or maybe it's the positive attitude that Hello Kitty radiates that I can only achieve through my massive amounts of prescription medication. Whatever the case, Hello Kitty is a candle in this dark world of ours.  

I say this knowing full well the social implications of this confession. Tons of hate mail will fill my email inbox, but it’s no different than the thousands of computer viruses I already get anyway. I know that guys aren’t supposed to like cute cartoon cats that wear pink berets in the same way that guys aren’t supposed to like flowers or emotions. I can accept and understand that. John Wayne didn't die in Vietnam so I could walk down the street under a Hello Kitty umbrella whistling a happy song. No sir, he did not. Not that I'd ever want to do something like that, but birth dictates that I must find copious amounts of shame in this Hello Kitty appreciation. The strange thing is I don’t care. To hell with it world, Hello Kitty is an enjoyable little kitten and I should be allowed to admire her.

Hello Kitty toilet paper makes bathroom time fun!

I always thought that the best and most socially acceptable solution to this dilemma would to be to find a girlfriend who liked Hello Kitty. That way I could buy her all kinds of Kitty paraphernalia. You know, slip her a watch one day, a stuffed Hello Kitty another day, and maybe give her the fabled Hello Kitty “back massager” for Valentines. Only then I could enjoy the benefits of Hello Kitty without feeling like I had some horrible masculinity problems. Unfortunately, I've yet to find such a girl. It seems like the majority of girls I date have actually grown up, so I’m stuck without any sort of Hello Kitty outlet. I'd rather not become some weird Hello Kitty pusher to my girlfriend when I'm lucky enough that she tolerates all my other strange quirks.

Oh well, I’ll live another day admiring Hello Kitty from afar as I purchase guns and drive my big truck through mud. Still, you have to admit Hello Kitty's love of making new friends and eating yummy cookies baked by her twin sister is admirable. If only my life was so simple.

- Paul - 03/01/05