Captain America made the world a better place, one punch to a big fat Nazi face at a time.

The bastards at Marvel have done it, they killed Captain America… or at least that’s what the mainstream media is indicating. Comic fans have been speculating that something like this would happen for the last few months in the wake of Civil War and it did. In Captain America #25, good old cap was taken down by an assassin’s bullet.

It’s hard to believe that in all the enemies he’s faced, Captain America could be taken down by something as benign as an assassin’s bullet. While not as lame as Captain Kirk’s death in Star Trek Generations who, as we all remember, fell to his death for no reason, it's still god damn pathetic. Captain America should meet his maker punching a Nazi in the groin while on a flaming helicopter that is quickly hurtling towards the inside of a churning, lava filled volcano. Now that would be a real death for true red blooded patriot like Cap.

It all comes down to the fact that Marvel only killed Captain America to sell comic books. If at any time would have been the perfect moment to kill Cap it would have been the horrible Civil War series at the hands of his friend Iron Man. Wow, wouldn’t that have the potential for drama? But no, they wait till Civil War is over and take him out with a cheap writer’s cliché.

If he really is dead, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep about it, comic fans, as Captain America is not truly gone. First of all, he'll not be gone forever because he still lives on in our hearts… just kidding, that’s really lame. The fact is that nearly 80% of all comic book characters that have died come have come back eventually if they are popular enough. Hell, if Colossus can make it back from death, then good old Captain America can.

If for some strange reason Marvel has decided to not bring him back, he’s a fictional character and really can’t die. It’s not like refusing to believe your Aunt Millie isn’t dead, because Captain America won’t stink up his old room upstairs and you won’t collect his social security checks for the next 10 years. A new writer or editor could come along and just erase what the previous writers had been doing. Hell, anyone could write a story where Captain America could live and he’d then he'd be "alive". Here, allow me to demonstrate: 

Captain America wiped the sweat from his brow. He was exhausted. This was hardly a vacation away from his patriotic duties. It was hard work putting so much time at the ranch now that he was lying low and pretending to be dead. That didn't mean he disliked it, though. It was beautiful being so close to nature, getting his hands dirty, working like a regular guy. He also found himself enjoying the routine. It was a lot easier getting up in the morning not having to wonder whether he'd be slinging his shield at a Nazi, robot, or dirty hippy by evening. This new life moved like clockwork. Get up at the crack of dawn, feed the kittens, watch them play with yarn, and then round them up in the evening to put them in their baskets. He had no idea why Iron Man had a secret 500 acre kitten ranch in the middle of Wyoming, but he didn’t want to ask questions and upset his friend. Lord knew that they had enough trouble getting over their recent past problems without Cap potentially causing tension with his sometimes unstable friend. 

When Captain America had made sure the last kitten was tucked in for the night, he gave the ranch’s guard dinosaur a pat on the head. The T-Rex would make sure everything was safe. Cap was looking forward to flying his magic carpet over to the next ranch and having his nightly sexual liaison with She-Ra. He smiled and thought that perhaps tonight he'd wear the moustache.

Man, it sure was easy bringing back Captain America. If you want to give it a shot, be sure to email me your Captain America adventure. Maybe we can send them to Marvel and they’ll use them. After all, it can’t be any crazier than the stuff they’ve been putting out for the last few years.

- Paul - 03/07/07